I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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