they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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