if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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