Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize