I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
