do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
