I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
