So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
