I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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