I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
