I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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