very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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