She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
