Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
