he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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