I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
