Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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