Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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