I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
