So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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