we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize