im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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