he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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