I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
