i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
