Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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