FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
