even my farts smell like vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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