The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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