Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My vagina is officially offended.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
