I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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