i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
