At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
