So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
