i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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