i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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