how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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