You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
