Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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