After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize