Do you still have your period?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
