Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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