I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
