i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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