im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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