can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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