Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
