I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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