Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
