I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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