The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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