do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
