yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I did not marry a roomba.
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