I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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