Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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