i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
