You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
