My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
