You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
