Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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