Soap is not a condiment
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize