Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize