My hand turned me down
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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